Mother and Adult Daughter Relationships
8
Tips for Turning it From Disastrous to Delightful
(A dedication to my mother, Renee Evans)
Motherhood
is a spirit consciousness. Yet for many women, like myself, the
idea of an extended time period with mom requires great
patience and a full emotional suit of armor. Although there is
great love, it can be very challenging.
As someone
who has transformed a relationship with my mother from borderline
disastrous to delightful,
I offer some valuable tips
from my experience. One thing is certain…in times of war,
uncertainty, and spiritual ascension family love must be the
foundation in our lives.
When my father
died in 1990 from complications of a kidney transplant
I was distraught. He was my best friend and I admired him.
He was also the buffer from my mother’s verbal and physical
abuse. Up to that time my relationship with my mother was strained,
to
say the least. But my father’s death compelled me to
examine my identity and my life’s purpose. In doing so,
I found that my mother had impacted me far more than I thought.
It was from
her that I learned to be a strong Black woman, a survivor; it
was from her that I learned to be driven and
make
no apologies
for wanting to live in abundance; and it was from her that
I embraced my entrepreneurial spirit. I learned a lot from
her.
Armed with
this realization, I decided to make a conscious effort to
build on what we had. I wanted to have a more loving experience
with
my mother.
So, one day
I sat down with her and told her of my hurts and childhood wounds
related to our relationship. My
mother
used
her fist to
punish, but it was the venom of her toxic words that left
many scars. She listened to my pain with a mother’s
ear and the heart of a friend. She never made excuses, she
simply said, “I
am so sorry.” We talked for hours.
I began to see her as not just my mother, but as a woman—like
me. A woman who had done the best she knew how. A woman who made
mistakes, but whom never intended to hurt me. I related to this
woman. By then I was an adult and had made my own errors of life.
I understood my mother as a mortal, not superwoman, but rather
a fallible being.
I felt a deeper love for her bloom on that day. We both
began working on becoming closer. I give thanks to God
that we
were both ready
at the same time.
People look
at us now and tell me how they wish for the kind of relationship
I have with my mother. They
say we
seem more
like
sisters. What they don’t understand is that it
took work, and growth, to get here.
My Mother gave
birth to me at the ripe age of 16…an age when
you do not even know how much you do not know. Then
she was married to my father at 17 years old, forced into
adulthood. We grew up
together in many ways. Now, as I near 40 years old,
we can celebrate this healing journey.
When I began
to write my first book and accept my calling
as a healer, my Mother was right there. She was relieved,
as if
she
had already known my destiny and was just waiting
on me to get it. From that point on her support has been
unmatched.
When friends questioned my abilities—she did not. When friends
rescinded their promises of support—she did
not. When friends thought my troubles were too heavy
to bear—She did not. She
was always there 100%. Her faith in me has raised
the bar for I expect of myself. The word “gratitude” seems
substandard to express what I feel for that kind
of unconditional love.
This process
was not easy for me. To the contrary,
it was quite laborious at times. Yet we were determined
and intentional,
sometimes without words…we just were. And
now I would not change if for all the money in
the world.
For those of
you who are blessed enough to still
have your mother on this Earth, please take heed:
Be courageous
enough
to explore
that unique relationship. Make a conscious effort
to nurture it to its fullest potential. Then
celebrate it everyday
in your heart,
your thoughts, and your actions.
8 Tips
On Building A Strong, Adult Mother & Daughter Relationship
- Take inventory
of your life: your strengths and weaknesses as a woman. What
have you learned
from
your own womanhood?
- Be willing
to look at mom as a woman, too. Learn more about her. What was
her dream
for
her life?
Remember, she is more
than just your mom.
- Don’t
just talk about your problems. Often we go to our
mother when we need to lick our wounds.
But try sharing your passions, dreams and goals, too. Let her
see you as more than just her daughter.
- Realize that
the past does not have
to dictate the future. Get clear within
yourself
about
your intention
to have
a better relationship.
Express this intention with your mother.
- Make time to
bond. Start planning things together. Big trips and fancy
vacations
are good, but so
are walks, pottery
cafes,
or antique shopping together. Be
creative!
- Discuss the
ways that you are different from each other, and the
ways you are
alike. What
makes each
of you special?
- Be willing
to be vulnerable and emotionally honest. There is
no way
to really get
beyond the pain and
hurt of the past,
if you
are not honest about it. All
things can be forgiven if you both are
willing to
move
forward.
- Find a healthy
balance of adult and child within yourself,
as you
build a
strong relationship
together.
There is
no other unconditional
love and nurturing like that
of your mother.
Enjoy her while
you
can!
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